There is a place that I thought of, that I’m pretty sure doesn’t exist and that it’s mine.

There are people who live there, who I’m pretty sure don’t exist except for inside me.

This could be interesting.

The problem I have is *not* knowing where the story is going and where I want it to end up.

I have to admit that between the market crashing, trying to buy a house, working High Holy Days, insomnia, catching a cold, and having too much to drink on Sunday, the blogging is not being kept up with.

I will be catching up with my “Reasons to Vote for Obama” – and I’ve got a big post about Proposition 8 that I’m thinking about – but I think that posting the rest of the lists isn’t going to be happening any time soon. But I do like having the list to refer to if I need something to write about.

I am getting ready for my sister to visit (!) and then Cassy’s party is the weekend after she leaves… it’s going to be a fun couple of weeks.

Also, I went down a pant size. So, there’s that.

So, I’ve got a tan, my hair is getting lighter, and I’m wearing flip-flops.

But all I want to so is go for a walk in the rain and bundle up.

I think I am going to have to go up North this fall.

This is not a pity party. I am not here to whine or make excuses.

But I am going to talk about failure. Specifically, three of my failures.

I think a lot of people in Real Life and on blogs are so focused with presenting their best selves or presenting a persona, that talking about the things that they’ve attempted and NOT succeeded at often turns into a pity party or a whining session or an excuse-filled “everything happens for a reason” diatribe, all geared toward shoring up their persona.

This is not that. This is just me talking about things I wanted and, yet, failed to accomplish.

Going to Graduate School
I desperately want to go to graduate school. I want to get an MFA in Creative Writing from Goddard College. I want to get an MFA with an instructional component so that I can teach in higher ed. This is what I have always wanted, since I was in high school. I failed to complete my application, not once, but twice. It’s because I’m afraid of being rejected or, if I were accepted, of failing once I was enrolled. So I fail to apply.

Being a Writer of Fiction – or of anything other than this blog
I have wanted to be a writer my whole life. So many ideas and zero execution. I haven’t written anything substantial since I wrote BtVS fanfic. EPIC FAIL. What is holding me back? The fear that no one will read what I write. I need an audience. I couldn’t care less if people like it or not, but I would like a stranger to read it and take it seriously. How do I find an audience? I would love to write comic books. I have stories to tell in that form. I know what I need to do – but I how do I make myself do it? I don’t know how to motivate myself, so I fail to try.

Lose 60 Pounds by My 30th Birthday
Not going to happen. I might hit 35 pounds lost, 40 if I’m super strict. A year is a perfectly reasonable amount of time to lose 60 pounds. That’s five pounds a month. F Minus!

Not succeeding in these things (aside from all of my failed knitting projects or not started crafts), not even attempting these things, it doesn’t make me less of a person or the victim of anything, it just adds to the lack of inertia that already existed and my sense of not being able to be an agent of change in my own life.

How do I motivate myself to do the things I actually want to do? This is my internal struggle.