So working full-time plus a 1 hour round trip commute is basically making life impossible.

I know other people have longer schedules with worse commutes, and those people are men with wives. I am a woman with a husband and, even though Perfect Tommy is probably in the 99 percentile of husbands, husbands ARE NOT AS HELPFUL AS WIVES.

Here are the things that I’m feeling about working full-time:
- My house is messy and I hate it.
- Laundry piles everywhere and it sucks.
- I’m tired all the time and I want to sleep.
- I’m pretty sure I’m not actually making any money.
- I don’t have any time to myself.
- I feel like Tom and I are living completely separate lives and I could have stayed in Seattle for that.

The actual job is fine. It’s pretty good and it’s all stuff I’ve done before and is pretty easy for me, the people don’t completely suck, and the people in my office are my age-ish. If I could work less hours or didn’t have to drive so far, I think I would be happy about it.

But the truth is most morning I feel like I’m going to burst into tears as I’m leaving my house, and I know it’s because Tom’s off for the summer and I’d really like to be with him, and if he were going off to work too I wouldn’t feel that way, but he’d be getting off earlier than me anyway and I’d want to be there then, too.

And maybe it’s weird that we’ve been married for almost 8 years and together for 11, and we’ve been basically been inseparable the whole time, and I still want to be right there with him whenever I can. But I don’t think it’s weird. At least, not any weirder than some of the shit that you internet people do (and you know who you are).

So, next week I turn 30. Then the next week we go to Hawaii. Then it’s back to this. Whereas, normally I would just quit and find something else to do, this is a small town and if I quit after 2 months, I would be burning a very big bridge. And Tom really wants to buy a home and even though my dreams are put on hold for everything all the time because I refuse to be selfish, I can’t let myself be the obstacle to Tom’s dreams. I feel like my role as his partner is to make those things happen. These are not tough choices for me, but it can make things feel a little bit out of my hands sometimes.

It’s on days like today, when everything is going well, the way things are supposed to go, that I feel the most trapped. The only thing that could make me feel worse is if I owned this condo.

And now, a picture of a rock that kind of looks like a butt.

All goodish things must come to an end – I’m starting a new full time job on Monday.

I’m actually really excited about the company, it’s a marketing firm, I’ll get to do a lot more than just plain ol’ admin work, but I’m full of that dread and anxiety that comes with any new commitment. Especially when you consider that I’m going to be doubling my work day, which is what it is. I’ve lived the luxurious life of a consultant and part-timer for almost three years and I’m not sure that my mental and physical health are really that much better for it. Slightly improved? Yes. But totally transformed? No.

I think the most valuable thing that I can take from the good life is that my time is valuable and that I’ll have an easier time saying “no” when I need to. I’m much better at setting limits. If I can remain in this consultant’s mindset – be a little more mercenary – it should be more interesting and worthwhile.

I will miss the time to myself, though.