I got back from vacation a week ago, perfectly affordable vacation; perfectly delightful, perfectly perfect.

But I want more! I can’t stand being at work right now. I’ve worked here longer than anywhere I’ve ever worked and it’s DRIVING ME NUTS. I’m thankful to at least be underemployed when so many people are just unemployed, but how long can a person go on doing shit they have no interest or investment in before they climb up to the top of a clock tower and start picking off the stragglers?

We could use a large windfall right about now. The house has been bleeding our savings slowly, and the improvements aren’t happening fast enough for me to feel like the value is there. So I feel like we have no money and nothing to show for it.

And at the same time, I feel like I’m drowning in the brick-a-brack of my life, and I so want to do a give-away. Just pile it all in the driveway and let people come and take what they want. No charge.

Dear Recent High School Graduate:

I am sure a lot of people are saying to you, “I can’t believe you’re graduating! It seems like only yesterday you were a child just headed off to school!”

I am not one of these people. I fully believe that you are graduating. What I can’t believe is that I am the same person who knew you way back then. It seems like a lifetime ago – and, of course, it is.

It has been your lifetime.

You are either 18 or 19 years old or will be very soon. Graduation from high school is timed to approximately coincide with this age. The idea is that you have been give a basic foundation in which to enter adulthood and/or college.

Nothing else could be further from the truth. In truth, you will make a lot of mistakes and, if you are particularly stupid or stubborn, be doomed to repeat them for the rest of your life. If you have any horse sense, you will not repeat the majority of your mistakes but find new things to fuck up along the way. This is what your parents and teachers have prepared you for. Thank them and forgive them, then move on.

If you are going to college – congratulations! There are no downsides to going college. Try not to flunk out, but if you feel like you are wasting time at school, don’t stay there.

If you are not going to college – congratulations! There are no downsides to not going to college. Try not to become a criminal or get arrested, but if you feel like you are wasting your time, start applying to colleges.

Now that you are a post-adolescent, you should not be wasting your time.

Lots of people are going to encourage you to think long-term and give you advice about being “successful.” They are not wrong. But… there is no manual for living life. There is only you and your experiences.

Now, I may only be approximately 14 years older than you (at the time of this writing), but this is a key point that it has taken me 14 years to figure out – 14 years of heavy thinking (including therapy), making mistakes, getting knocked down, and getting anxious and depressed about my choices. If I can save you a month of figuring it out by putting this nugget in your brain then good for us!

When I wrote “you should not be wasting your time” I meant exactly that. I think having dreams and goals is an important thing for everyone, but so is experiencing every day and being present in your own life.

You are wasting your time if you are not doing both of these things.

The other thing you need to know is that you don’t have to decide anything about yourself right now. You are not a completely finished person yet, no matter what your commencement speakers say, no matter what that diploma says, no matter where you end up in your life, you will never be a completely finished person. When I wrote at the beginning of this letter that I can’t imagine that I am the same person who knew you way back then, I meant it. I was approximately the age you are now. I have changed dramatically, inside and outside, in the in-between years and if you’re worth anyone else’s time or effort at all, you will have changed dramatically in the next 14 years, too.

All my best for what’s to come,

Katherine Smith
June 8, 2010

P.S. Obligatory money advice: Don’t ever spend your entire paycheck.

It was 93 degrees here today. That’s a 20 degree jump from last night. I’ve been so thirsty all day. It’s only gonna get hotter from here on out. We need to get our pool cleaned before I die.

This blog is all medical updates and no pizazz! Apparently, my x-rays weren’t alarming (I’m showing some “spine-straitening due to muscle spasm” – sounds peachy!) but the persistence of my symptoms and the addition of hip pain made my doctor refer for more x-rays and physical therapy. And more pills, which are the only things keeping me from House-like levels of snark and misery-making.

In dental news, I’m getting orthodontia to get rid of the gap in-between my top front teeth. In addition to vanity, I’m mostly doing it because I’m tired of getting my lips stuck in my teeth and getting cut. I’m also going to end up getting at least one tooth bonded or veneered so that my teeth don’t move ever again. When I went for my evaluation, one of the assistants commented on the size of my lower retaining wire: “I’ve never seen one of those in real life before!” Apparently, the wires they use now are about 1/3 of the gauge of my wire. Yes, I’m old now.

Because of my stupid neck injury, I haven’t been able to exercise at all. So, my weight isn’t going down. But it does appear to have stabilized? Probably due to the glucophage/metformin. I don’t even know anymore. I’m just focusing on fiber to get my cholesterol lower, and I’m going to worry about the rest later.

In other news, my skin is breaking out like crazy. I am focusing on remaining indoors and becoming a desert vampire because I think part of it is that my skin gets really oily if I’m in the sun too much. Also, sun hats and sunscreen in everything. My skin definitely doesn’t look 32 years old, and my fear of skin cancer, being an indoor kid in high school, and living in Seattle for most of my 20s certainly helped. So, I’m getting a consultation with aesthetician to avoid it getting worse and reverse whatever sun damage I might have.

Family-wise, it’s been awesome lately. My mom, sister, and niece came to visit last weekend, and it was just fantastic. I love them all so much and my niece is such a wonderful, easy, happy baby and has a huge personality already. Plus, my mother-in-law (who I get along with like nobody’s business) is coming this weekend, and my brother is coming to visit in May. Even Tom, who can be stressed out by having company, has been enjoying the shit out of it – it’s a good distraction from all the DIY around the house.

Speaking of which, I need to pick out some more tile, move some furniture, paint some walls, and go through some boxes. Once we’re done with everything, it will be time to move and find a new adventure.

It’s amazing how positive muscle relaxers can make a person.

So working full-time plus a 1 hour round trip commute is basically making life impossible.

I know other people have longer schedules with worse commutes, and those people are men with wives. I am a woman with a husband and, even though Perfect Tommy is probably in the 99 percentile of husbands, husbands ARE NOT AS HELPFUL AS WIVES.

Here are the things that I’m feeling about working full-time:
- My house is messy and I hate it.
- Laundry piles everywhere and it sucks.
- I’m tired all the time and I want to sleep.
- I’m pretty sure I’m not actually making any money.
- I don’t have any time to myself.
- I feel like Tom and I are living completely separate lives and I could have stayed in Seattle for that.

The actual job is fine. It’s pretty good and it’s all stuff I’ve done before and is pretty easy for me, the people don’t completely suck, and the people in my office are my age-ish. If I could work less hours or didn’t have to drive so far, I think I would be happy about it.

But the truth is most morning I feel like I’m going to burst into tears as I’m leaving my house, and I know it’s because Tom’s off for the summer and I’d really like to be with him, and if he were going off to work too I wouldn’t feel that way, but he’d be getting off earlier than me anyway and I’d want to be there then, too.

And maybe it’s weird that we’ve been married for almost 8 years and together for 11, and we’ve been basically been inseparable the whole time, and I still want to be right there with him whenever I can. But I don’t think it’s weird. At least, not any weirder than some of the shit that you internet people do (and you know who you are).

So, next week I turn 30. Then the next week we go to Hawaii. Then it’s back to this. Whereas, normally I would just quit and find something else to do, this is a small town and if I quit after 2 months, I would be burning a very big bridge. And Tom really wants to buy a home and even though my dreams are put on hold for everything all the time because I refuse to be selfish, I can’t let myself be the obstacle to Tom’s dreams. I feel like my role as his partner is to make those things happen. These are not tough choices for me, but it can make things feel a little bit out of my hands sometimes.