I could rant about how growing up in a town (and an extended family) that anointed athletes at very young ages and told everyone else to just stop trying led to my hatred of physical activity and lots of confusion about belonging and my identity that I struggle with to this very day… but that’s just useless baggage and brings up lots of anger at myself for continuing to buy into other people’s bullshit and ideas about who I am and who I should be.

I could go on about how I’m really unhappy with where I live. Not my house, mind you. Not even the city. I just really miss the place I moved from. I miss the city. I miss my old job. I miss my family. I miss the fog and the rain. And it breaks Tom’s heart that I miss it all so much that I can’t really enjoy myself here.

I feel like no matter what I do or where I go, I’m abandoning someone. And I hate myself for it.

I hate myself for being driven to mediocrity because of some fucked up sense of duty.

But things aren’t so bad that I am unhappy. I’m a very happy person, even when things aren’t going well. I’m a “glass half-full” lady. Things could always be worse.

I think some of it has to do with the things that I derive enjoyment from, the artists and creators who have made wonderful things for me to enjoy, the people who make me laugh, the people who make me think, and the fact that I finally have a dog. When I’m in a bad mood a good song or story or piece of art can literally turn my brain around.

Something about travel and reconnecting with people and places brings up all of this stuff in me. This is why I need a vacation from my vacation – for quiet reflection/meditation.

And to get over this bloody head cold.

When other people can’t eat solid food for two weeks, they lose weight. Not me!

I’m going to have to start working out twice a day to lose some weight because I can’t eat any less. Not now, though. I can barely make it through four hours of office work without a nap.

Next week, I’m going to start with a small cardio/floor work routine to get warmed up for June, which will be a training month. Training for what? For THE PURE PHYSICAL RADNESS – a prelude to THE PEAK FITNESS SPECTACULAR approximately one year from now.

The diet is going well, and I’m just frustrated that I’m not seeing results. But my metabolism shuts down without physical activity and healing doesn’t count, apparently.

I guess I should be happy that I haven’t gained any weight back. HUZZAH!

I feel great. I’m sleeping better, I’ve stopped snoring, and I can breathe through my nose all of the time!

My throat feels like it’s been stabbed, though.

I had my check-up two days ago and saw pictures of my tonsils once they had been removed – they were 1 inch wide and 3 inches long. They were covered in scars and looked like Freddy Krueger’s balls. And, apparently, they were full of stones.

In not gross news, my favorite kind of frozen yogurt is tart plain, followed by caffe latte, and tart mango. No toppings.

My mom went home on Tuesday (the same day as my check up), but didn’t get going right away because she missed her flight (my fault) and so we ended up getting manicures and pedicures at the Palm Springs Mall in the same shop that Shannen Doherty had her nails done during the height of her 90210 fame (autographed Brenda Walsh poster). When Mom called me to tell me she had missed her flight I felt so terrible, I started crying and sobbing, which was dumb because it made my throat hurt.

She caught a later flight and everything was fine, but I got upset. I blame the drugs.

We had a great visit and, honestly, I don’t think I would be recovering as well as I am if my mom hadn’t been here. I love her and I miss her. I wish I could do for her what she does for me.

I came through surgery just fine, minus two tonsils, as planned. No post-surgery nausea. I was out of the hospital 30 minutes after I woke up. Then I came home and went straight to sleep.

Since Thursday, I’ve eaten three pudding cups, 1/2 cup of mac n’cheese, 3 cups of applesauce, and two eggs.

I threw up twice because I didn’t eat before I took my meds and that was a bad idea.

The only bad part is that I have a sinus headache but I can’t take anything for it, so I’m using hot & coild compresses to try and make it go away.

My mom is taking really good care of me and so is Tom.

Today, I sat outside for a while and I saw two mourning doves do it.

I feel like I am writing a letter from camp.

So yesterday morning I went for some more pre-op stuff and in between appointments I took some pictures of birds that were putting in a vague effort at harassing me. I had my nose swabbed for MRSA and my surgeon looked at my tonsils again and said, “Oh, perfect!”

This morning I went to get my pain meds at the pharmacy and my HMO doesn’t cover good pain meds like Percocet, so I had to shell out a ridiculous amount of money for cheaply manufactured opiates that would have been twice as ridiculous if I didn’t have AAA.

That’s right, the Automobile Association of America has a prescription drug discount benefit. Pretty sure that House is a member, too.

I also bought lipstick.

My surgery is tomorrow at 12:30 PM PDT. I will be tweetering some, but not during my surgery, a duh. Probably after, or not. Depends on the drugs.

Also, some tonsil pictures at some point. They will be gross. Be warned.

And now, I’m going to pick up my mommy from the airport. Yes, my mom is coming to take care of me. I WIN!