So all that quiet reflection and whatnot that I so desired after my vacation has been no where to be found.

It’s my own fault, I got sort of depressed about everything when I got home and I’ve just sat on my ass staring at the wall since I got back.

But I’m trying, but I’m always trying and it gets old. I’m so bored with myself that the thought of interacting with other people makes me want to jump in front of a bus.

And this weekend we’re heading to Sedona/Jerome/Clarkdale for Tom’s birthday, so hopefully I will snap out of it and actually have some fun…

I could rant about how growing up in a town (and an extended family) that anointed athletes at very young ages and told everyone else to just stop trying led to my hatred of physical activity and lots of confusion about belonging and my identity that I struggle with to this very day… but that’s just useless baggage and brings up lots of anger at myself for continuing to buy into other people’s bullshit and ideas about who I am and who I should be.

I could go on about how I’m really unhappy with where I live. Not my house, mind you. Not even the city. I just really miss the place I moved from. I miss the city. I miss my old job. I miss my family. I miss the fog and the rain. And it breaks Tom’s heart that I miss it all so much that I can’t really enjoy myself here.

I feel like no matter what I do or where I go, I’m abandoning someone. And I hate myself for it.

I hate myself for being driven to mediocrity because of some fucked up sense of duty.

But things aren’t so bad that I am unhappy. I’m a very happy person, even when things aren’t going well. I’m a “glass half-full” lady. Things could always be worse.

I think some of it has to do with the things that I derive enjoyment from, the artists and creators who have made wonderful things for me to enjoy, the people who make me laugh, the people who make me think, and the fact that I finally have a dog. When I’m in a bad mood a good song or story or piece of art can literally turn my brain around.

Something about travel and reconnecting with people and places brings up all of this stuff in me. This is why I need a vacation from my vacation – for quiet reflection/meditation.

And to get over this bloody head cold.

Dudes, it’s the 1st of July. I am going to eat some potato salad for lunch and try not to feel sorry for myself!

Tom is not laid off, so this summer vacation is actually just summer vacation and not the last desperate 10 weeks until his paychecks run out!

Sort of glad it’s Friday, but Monday is when Tom might receive a lay-off notice, so the weekend probably won’t be too fun. UGH.