Good news is that my blood pressure is low/normal, I have more energy and endurance on my walks, and I’m feeling stronger.

Bad news, I’m not losing any weight!

But I’m not gaining any more weight, either, so that’s good?

I think I may have to really take a look at what I’m eating/not eating because I’ve had HORRIBLE heartburn for the last week and rather than suffer through it without indulging, I chose to indulge in a cheeseburger, a milkshake, pancakes, and a bottle of wine over the weekend. The heartburn wasn’t as bad.

STUPID MIXED SIGNALS.

My favorite thing to eat for breakfast right now is a 1/2 cup of greek yogurt mixed with 1/4 of wheat bran and 1/4 cup of flax meal. So yummy, so filling. If I have to give that up I will cry.

Also, I think I may have to start schlepping out to the organic hippie store in Palm Desert for my produce. The selection that I can get in the regular markets is not good enough, same with milk and eggs. But cheese? Everyone has excellent cheese. Go figure!

Today my left hip really hurt so I supplemented pain meds with chocolate chip cookies. Sometimes, it has to be done.

I had an IUD inserted this morning; I’ve had cramps off and on all day. The actual procedure wasn’t that painful, but I can imagine that it was and will be more painful than a vasectomy (based on conversations with men who have had them). I’m just sayin’ to the men out there, you don’t have something called a “uterus holder” pulling down on your internal organs when you get your vas deferens snipped. Also, men get local anesthetic – I got bactine on my cervix.

I got the Mirena IUD because of its magical hormonal properties that should also help with my PCOS in addition to keeping me from having babies (not that you can make babies easily when you have PCOS…).

For a long time the conventional wisdom was that women who hadn’t had children couldn’t have an IUD. I asked the Licensed Nurse Practitioner who is my OB/GYN provider about this and she said that it only really had to do with the difficulty of inserting the IUD in women whose “birth canal isn’t stretched from pushing a watermelon out of [their] vagina.” (Yes, she really said that.) She also said that she only knew of one woman in her many years of practice that had the IUD come out (she had been pregnant before). She isn’t aware of any of her patients that became pregnant while using an IUD or suffered ectopic (tubal) pregnancies.

So, one day in and I’m feeling pretty good about this decision. IUDs for ladies who don’t want to get pregnant for a very long time (or ever); Tiny American flags for others!

Waiting in a very cold exam room for over an hour while you’re reading makes you very sleepy.

I did it on an empty stomach, too. Without caffeine. Dumb.

Still no MRI. Maybe sometime in the next two weeks, then I have another follow-up with the doctor.

This doctor’s visit was really a waste of my time. They hadn’t received any of my records yet (not my fault, I gave them all the contact info and insurance info, they just didn’t follow-up) and I saw a different doctor this time, so I had to go over everything with him again and do a fourth neurological exam. LAME.

Meanwhile, I have two more physical therapy appointments and then who knows what will happen!

If I have any readers from Washington state, please vote NO on I-1082; this initiative would introduce private worker’s comp insurance to the state at the expense of worker’s health and safety. The initiative would exempt private worker’s comp insurance providers from any regulation – a recipe for disaster.

If I lived in Washington, I think I would be much better by now because I wouldn’t be waiting MONTHS between referrals and treatments. I would be able to go to my regular doctor and receive treatment and referrals without an insurance company inserting itself into the medical decision-making thereby slowing down the entire process.

I was injured in March. It is now July. I was referred for x-rays in April. I received them in May. I was also referred for physical therapy in April. I didn’t start to receive treatment for my injury until the end of May. I was initially referred for an MRI in May and referred again a week ago. It has not been approved yet – and may not be. If I were under the state run system, I would have gone to my regular doctor immediately, and had x-rays and physical therapy referrals go through my regular insurance provider. As a member of a non-profit healthcare cooperative, this process is incredibly fast compared to other insurances.

Meanwhile, I am still in pain. I am still not able to work (at work or at home) at full-capacity. I cannot function or sleep without medication (which is not covered by my health insurance or by worker’s comp).

This system is broken and it isn’t doing a very good job of fixing me. And I haven’t even touched on the fact that because my employer is very small, non-profit, and a religious institution, that there is exactly ONE insurer in this state that will cover them. This creates a whole new set of problems that end up fucking over people even harder… because these insurers aren’t regulated like healthcare insurers!

And all of this makes me very tired.

I’m really paying attention to what I’m eating. I’m focusing on nutritional bang for my buck; I’m avoiding sugar and processed foods.

But all I want to do is eat hotdogs and drink beer.

Dudes! It’s so hot outside, it’s hot inside!

I let myself have bean and cheese burritos from the local grocery chain because they don’t use refritos, and even though the burritos are huge it’s mostly cabbage and stewed pinto beans so it comes out to about 300-400 calories even with cheese. I keeps me full until bedtime if I have it for lunch. It’s the size of my foot and it’s $2.99, which is a pretty cheap lunch/dinner option. I’m also a huge fan of Helados Mexicano’s mini crema de fresas bars (strawberry & cream). They are only 45 calories and the perfect size for dessert or a snack.

I need to stock up on Coronitas. I think I can justify a Coronita or two on the weekend, but no full-sized beers. And light beer is for fat dudes in recliners with alcoholic tendencies. I am a fat lady on a pool lounger with alcoholic tendencies; I drink real beer, vodka & soda, or a nice Pimm’s cup.

I just can’t justify the hotdogs at all.

Pain is an odd thing. Unless someone or something is actively inflicting it upon one’s self, it is not quite real.

Emotional pain, unless being outwardly expressed or manifested through destructive behavior, does not really exist.

I look fine. I look rested. I smile at people. I lie and tell them that I am doing well. The truth is that I am suffering from constant physical pain. It ebbs and flows, depending on my medication and level of physical activity.

For these past few days, it has been flowing to unbearable levels. It is like a snake curled up tight at the base of my skull striking and biting at multiple points along my spine and into my left shoulder. Are there mythological multi-headed snake beasts? It’s definitely not the Hydra. This thing has way more heads.

I shake. I clench my jaw. I sleep. I medicate. I drink. I eat cookies. (Are cookies better or worse than another Vicodin or Valium?) Various combinations can get me into a good enough mood (desensitized) that I can make the pain a dull-toothed annoyance.

I have an incredibly high pain tolerance. I was in an accident at age five in which I was burned by boiling water on ~70% of my body. Through that recovery, I was given morphine for the pain.

When the bar is set that high in your childhood, you just don’t experience pain the same way that other people do. Dental work without anesthesia? No problem. Surgery with a mild local anesthetic? Preferred.

When I experience most pain I step outside of myself (PTSD) to a certain degree. I dismiss it. I ignore it.

I cannot ignore this. This beast won’t let me go.