When I arrived at The Evergreen State College in September of 1996, I was open to the world and the world was open to me. I was protean. I had vague notions about myself and what I wanted out of life. I was a lonely girl from a small town, and I just knew that I never wanted to go back to that life. I felt tamped down by my friends (who had also ended up at Evergreen), my family (who love me so much it can be smothering), and my own expectations (never disappoint anyone). I still do, 13 years later.
One of the big events on Evergreen’s campus in the fall was the Coming Out Ball. This was a big dance that encouraged young gay people who had been closeted back at home to “come out” and be their fabulous fruity and dykey selves. They even had a “closet” that you walked through and came out into the ball. But the GLBT student alliance encouraged everyone to “come out” – straight or gay. To be yourself. To not be what other people want you to be. I didn’t participated for a few reasons: 1) The aforementioned friends. 2) Not really knowing anyone who was going. 3) Being from a very small town, the only gay people I knew were in TV, movies, or were way older than I was – I didn’t really understand or know gay/straight ally politics at that point. I didn’t know how to be an ally, and I didn’t want to encroach on someone else’s process.
I regret not going.
I’ve also always been kind of fascinated by and envious of the coming out process – it’s a crucible that makes or breaks so many people, families, relationships, lives; it’s definitive. I have always longed to know myself that well and state it unequivocally and demand that people around me accept it or fuck off. To live an authentic life and to know that because some people don’t approve of it, I won’t cease to exist and that my world won’t end. I know it intellectually, but somehow, I fail to live it. Is it my fear of rejection? I don’t think so. I just know that because I worry about what those closest to me will think, I stop myself from being authentic. I am playing a role most of the time. It’s tiring.
Today is National Coming Out day. I encourage everyone who is “closeted” in some way – whether it’s your sexuality or something else – to come out. You’re going to die whether you do or not.
And that’s it. How depressing!
I know it’s a bit late for National Coming Out day, but I can only applaud. Life is so much better when one stops pretending to be something one isn’t and embrace who one is. Doesn’t mean one won’t still get funny looks or criticism, but to live the life one wants (provided it doesn’t abuse the lives of others, of course), not giving a damn how people judge? It’s a priceless freedom and I treasure it.