I could rant about how growing up in a town (and an extended family) that anointed athletes at very young ages and told everyone else to just stop trying led to my hatred of physical activity and lots of confusion about belonging and my identity that I struggle with to this very day… but that’s just useless baggage and brings up lots of anger at myself for continuing to buy into other people’s bullshit and ideas about who I am and who I should be.
I could go on about how I’m really unhappy with where I live. Not my house, mind you. Not even the city. I just really miss the place I moved from. I miss the city. I miss my old job. I miss my family. I miss the fog and the rain. And it breaks Tom’s heart that I miss it all so much that I can’t really enjoy myself here.
I feel like no matter what I do or where I go, I’m abandoning someone. And I hate myself for it.
I hate myself for being driven to mediocrity because of some fucked up sense of duty.
But things aren’t so bad that I am unhappy. I’m a very happy person, even when things aren’t going well. I’m a “glass half-full” lady. Things could always be worse.
I think some of it has to do with the things that I derive enjoyment from, the artists and creators who have made wonderful things for me to enjoy, the people who make me laugh, the people who make me think, and the fact that I finally have a dog. When I’m in a bad mood a good song or story or piece of art can literally turn my brain around.
Something about travel and reconnecting with people and places brings up all of this stuff in me. This is why I need a vacation from my vacation – for quiet reflection/meditation.
And to get over this bloody head cold.
I have found that nothing defeats a head cold like a hot toddy. I find tequila actually works the best. Probably because the honey & lemon juice are like: “Hey Tequila, it’s a party!” and the hot water is all: “Fine, but a quiet one” and they all go “yaaaaaay” but quietly.
I have never had a vacation I didn’t need a vacation to recover from.
“no matter what I do or where I go, I’m abandoning someone”
Oh god, you just defined all my angst in one short sentence. Well, all my angst of right now. I’m sure there have been and will be plenty of other sources, but right now, this is it.
I’ve nothing helpful to say about it, though, unless “ME TOO!” is helpful.
<3
I don’t feel abandoned by you. I feel like I found you anew everytime we talk. And I think its really weird how reflection raises its head after a vacation. Maybe because we need our alone time?! Also, there’s nothing like a cold to make one feel unhappy. Just know that you helped me a ton today!