This is not a pity party. I am not here to whine or make excuses.
But I am going to talk about failure. Specifically, three of my failures.
I think a lot of people in Real Life and on blogs are so focused with presenting their best selves or presenting a persona, that talking about the things that they’ve attempted and NOT succeeded at often turns into a pity party or a whining session or an excuse-filled “everything happens for a reason” diatribe, all geared toward shoring up their persona.
This is not that. This is just me talking about things I wanted and, yet, failed to accomplish.
Going to Graduate School
I desperately want to go to graduate school. I want to get an MFA in Creative Writing from Goddard College. I want to get an MFA with an instructional component so that I can teach in higher ed. This is what I have always wanted, since I was in high school. I failed to complete my application, not once, but twice. It’s because I’m afraid of being rejected or, if I were accepted, of failing once I was enrolled. So I fail to apply.
Being a Writer of Fiction – or of anything other than this blog
I have wanted to be a writer my whole life. So many ideas and zero execution. I haven’t written anything substantial since I wrote BtVS fanfic. EPIC FAIL. What is holding me back? The fear that no one will read what I write. I need an audience. I couldn’t care less if people like it or not, but I would like a stranger to read it and take it seriously. How do I find an audience? I would love to write comic books. I have stories to tell in that form. I know what I need to do – but I how do I make myself do it? I don’t know how to motivate myself, so I fail to try.
Lose 60 Pounds by My 30th Birthday
Not going to happen. I might hit 35 pounds lost, 40 if I’m super strict. A year is a perfectly reasonable amount of time to lose 60 pounds. That’s five pounds a month. F Minus!
Not succeeding in these things (aside from all of my failed knitting projects or not started crafts), not even attempting these things, it doesn’t make me less of a person or the victim of anything, it just adds to the lack of inertia that already existed and my sense of not being able to be an agent of change in my own life.
How do I motivate myself to do the things I actually want to do? This is my internal struggle.
Tweet
May 28th, 2008 at 11:54 AM
I’m a failure too! Whooo! (We can party as long as there’s no pity, right?)
May 28th, 2008 at 12:01 PM
All non-pity parties are acceptable!
May 28th, 2008 at 1:48 PM
This eerily mirrors my own life. Except I never even wrote fanfic, because I have no stories to tell. At all.
I’m bringing cheap whiskey to the party.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:43 PM
Man, I am totally a failure, too. I am a singer. And yet, I never really sing. I am also old.
Old people can come to the party too, right? I can’t promise I won’t sing, but it doesn’t count if I have had cheap whiskey.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:11 AM
I have a history of failing at things because I decide to stop trying, and just accept that I have chosen not to do whatever it is. Which makes it sound great and active – I made a decision not to try anymore! But it’s like, Jesus, you think I should maybe put in a little more effort before I make that call? It’s just calling laziness by another name.
May 29th, 2008 at 12:20 PM
If I figure it out, I’ll let you know. [/check's in the mail]
Yeah, I’ve wanted to be a writer for close to ever as well, and haven’t done any serious writing since a couple years after graduating college. otoh, I now have a life, and for a very long time I didn’t. So there’s that.
May 30th, 2008 at 1:39 AM
You’ve made a good, brave post here, Ma’am. Good on you.
May 30th, 2008 at 9:22 AM
Thanks for all the comments – I have a post coming up that will probably make all of this seem ridiculous, but still the failures are there.
June 4th, 2008 at 6:21 PM
Katherine! This will sound defensive, but it is how I feel.
While you may have fallen short of your goals in terms of deadlines I feel you are still going to achieve these goals. I, myself, every once in a while achieve some small goal and the feeling is exhilarating, but I’m never pursuing said goal. I try to get lost in the pursuit, ignorant of the larger picture. I think that giant painting I did of Adam and Rachel in college taught me a great deal about patience and dedication to an idea. I will use a comic book reference here because I feel it is appropriate: you gotta BE the Green Lantern! It’s really less about technique and more about the need to JUST DO IT (Nike had a point)! When I visit in a few weeks we’re writing a comic spec. script for you to shop at conventions. Nightwing? Titans? I also seriously need to get on becoming a penciler already…
June 8th, 2008 at 1:01 AM
How do I motivate myself to do the things I actually want to do? This is my internal struggle.
I am right there with you.